jokes and funny stories.

[Dmanwuzhere]

OR WHAT

[Lefty]

It would be nice if self centered posters could keep there posts in other threads. This is for jokes and funny stories. Try something like this if you want to make it personal.

Sail the Friendly Seas
During the final days at Tortugas old dock, a crowded ships travel was canceled.
A single ticket agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced sailors. Suddenly an angry pirate named Feniks pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this ship and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry Mr Feniks. I''ll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these seamen first, and I'm sure we''ll be able to work something out."
Feniks was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the sailors behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her bullhorn. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the docks. "We have a pirate here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the ticket office."
With the sailors behind him in line laughing hysterically, Feniks glared at the ship's agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F_ _k you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you''ll have to stand in line for that, too."
Feniks retreated as the seamen on the docks applauded loudly. Although the ships travel was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at the transport company.

[sXs]

GET OFF MY LAWN

Would expect that from someone afraid to stand behind his own actions. Moral compass seems to only apply when you are dictating to other what theirs should be.

[Dmanwuzhere]

Keeping stan posting I thought was humorous. Lame joke but a joke nonetheless

[Lefty]

The other side.

A member of the guild VUDU, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Hammer of Thor guild(TKP) is made up of cowards and corrupt pirates!" All the TKP members demanded that the angry VUDU guild member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the Avonmora Gentlemen's Society. After a long pause, the angry VUDU member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of TKP is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt pirates!"

[Meliva]

Well here's a pretty funny story that I like.

Back when I was a child-about 10 I think, me my brother and my dad were driving to the bank when I think of a great joke. I tell dad that I have a great idea-me and my brother would go in, rob the bank and dad would be the getaway driver. I then tell him if we get caught I can get us out of it-by us I meant my brother and I-we would both start crying, and tell the cops that if we didn't do it, daddy was gonna lock us back in the basement and beat us again-dad laughed and said if you did that they'd toss me in with Bubba and throw away the key.

[Kangaroo]

The other side.

A member of the guild VUDU, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Hammer of Thor guild(TKP) is made up of cowards and corrupt pirates!" All the TKP members demanded that the angry VUDU guild member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the Avonmora Gentlemen's Society. After a long pause, the angry VUDU member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of TKP is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt pirates!"

lol

[Kangaroo]

A Sydney family was driving behind a rubbish truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen.
To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids "my what a big insect", to which her 7 year old replies, "I'm surprised it could fly with a **** that size".

[Dmanwuzhere]

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

[Meliva]

Heres a pretty good joke.

A man is in bed with his wife, and he makes a bet with her.
"I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and mad at the same time."

She thinks for a moment before replying.
"Did you know you have the biggest **** out of all your friends."

He smiles for a moment before immediately glaring at her.