jokes and funny stories.

[OG Deadking]

A well dressed business man is sitting at the bar after a long days work, when a beautiful blonde comes over and starts to flirt with him.
They strike up a conversation and things are going very well. The business man asks the young lady what her name is.

Blonde: "My name is Carmen"
Guy: "That is a beautiful name"
Blonde: "Thanks, I gave it to myself when I became an adult"
Guy: "Why?"
Blonde: "I named myself after two things I love... Cars and Men."
Blonde: "So whats your name"
Guy: BJ Titsandgolf

lol

[Meliva]

Heres one I really like.

An old married couple is walking together, when they decide to take a stroll at the elementary school they first met. during the walk a armored truck drives by and a huge sack of money falls out. They take it home and try to decide what to do with it. The woman says they should keep it, but the man says they should turn it in. they argue all night until the next morning 2 Federal agents are at the door. They ask if they know what happened to the money. The man confesses and says its in the basement, but the woman yells don't mind him hes senile. The men decide to listen to the old man and ask him "okay just tell us what happened from the beginning." So the old man says "well it all started at the elementary school my wife and I met at." the 2 men look at eachother, mumble "this is going to take all goddamn day" and excuse themselves and leave.

[Stan Rogers]

LOBSTER TAIL and BEER was wrote on the tavern window in Pania.
"Me three favorite things" exclaims Stan

[sXs]

LOBSTER TAIL and BEER was wrote on the tavern window in Pania.
"Me three favorite things" exclaims Stan

+1

[DezNutz]

A pirate strolls into a bar, with a ship’s wheel sticking out of his pants.

He strolls up to the barkeep and says “Give me some rum.” The barkeep says “Hey, why do you have a ship’s wheel in your pants?”

Pirate says, “It’s driving me nuts aarrghh.”

[Jack Teach]

A pirate strolls into a bar, with a ship’s wheel sticking out of his pants.

He strolls up to the barkeep and says “Give me some rum.” The barkeep says “Hey, why do you have a ship’s wheel in your pants?”

Pirate says, “It’s driving me nuts aarrghh.”

Classic, but stolen

[Sebena]

At the bar three man sits and talk about their wifes.
First say: My wife is amazing she is like lioness.
Second replies: Mine is also amazing she is like tigress
Third one listens and says mine doesn't look like human either

[DezNutz]

I didn't say it was mine. The topic isn't original jokes. Every joke listed so far is either a direct copy or a variation of an existing joke.

As you seem to complain about how the jokes posted aren't original, why don't you post an original.

[Meliva]

I didn't say it was mine. The topic isn't original jokes. Every joke listed so far is either a direct copy or a variation of an existing joke.

As you seem to complain about how the jokes posted aren't original, why don't you post an original.

Yeah its fine if you post a joke or story that isn't original, especially if you don't claim it as your own. But heres an original funny story my dad told me.



My Father was once chopping chicken heads in the front yard of his parents house, when one of his cousins Bill pulled up in his new car that was just washed and waxed, before he went in, my dad told him that he might wanna park elsewhere since he was chopping chicken heads, bill said hed just be a minute and went in. Now my dad was taught that after chopping the head to hold the bird til it stopped moving, but he wanted to see what would happen if he didn't. so he chopped the head and let go of the body, and the body immediately ran towards the car, hopped on the hood and ran from the hood to trunk several times before flopping around and dying. Bill comes out and sees his car covered in blood, scratches and feathers and yells to my dad " WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED" my dad said that he wanted to see what would happen if he let the bird go and he found out.

[Meliva]

Here's a funny little story from my life.

I was talking to my father, and we ended up talking about names. He mentioned how my mother wouldn't let him name all their kids and he only got to name the first one, so curious I asked him what did he have in mind. He looks to me and says well since my first son I named after me, I told her I wanted to name the rest after me too, so there would be me Senior, the first junior, 2nd 3rd, 4th and so on. I laugh and asked him so what would you name me? And he just says, I just told you, you would have been 6th.